


Ray of Light

by ScrewzLooze



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternative Universe - City of Angels, Angel Jaebum, Angel mark, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of religion, Nurse Youngjae, Paramedic Jackson, Surgeon Jinyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 21:52:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12198111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrewzLooze/pseuds/ScrewzLooze
Summary: Jinyoung is an eminent cardiothoracic surgeon, on the brink of losing his first patient four years into his career.Jaebum, the angel assigned to lead Jinyoung’s patient to the afterlife, finds himself drawn to the doctor in unfamiliar ways. He starts to spend more and more time around the surgeon at the cost of his responsibilities, yearning after the things he comes to believe would be worth giving up a life of divinity for.





	Ray of Light

**Author's Note:**

> (“City of Angels” is a 1998 American romantic movie starring Nicolas Cage).
> 
> Update: I promise I wrote this before “An Apple a Day” was uploaded by the AO3 author, badlifedecisions :D In case you are interested in a recent chaptered medical AU, here’s a link to her piece: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12186015/chapters/27665325 )
> 
> I thought a City of Angels AU would go well with Jinyoung’s and Jaebum’s personality, but I changed quite a few things from the original movie, including the ending, although the story’s progression and many of its classic scenes were included. I also added some philosophy, especially countering the German philosopher, Schopenhauer, who was known for his comical bitterness toward love and life. If you couldn’t care less about philosophy, then worry not, there’s JJP and smut. :D 
> 
> My usual disclaimer: I apologize in advance if there is any inconsistency or error that proofreading didn’t touch upon, considering that English is not my native language. All rights go to all the people for all the things I don't own for this piece of sin. You see the tags, something is not up your alley, save yourself in time.

Four hours into the operation, Jinyoung successfully finished grafting a new set of veins around the subject’s thinning artery. With the alternative channel intact, he disconnected his patient from the ECMO machine, preparing the heart to beat on its own. But without the supporting tubes in place, his heart began to contract in a set of unpredictable sequences, much to the concern of the medical team.

“Should we use defibrillation?” Suggested one of the nurses, glancing at Jinyoung.

“His records said he’s been diagnosed with diabetes and acute kidney failure.” Another nurse replied beside the utility cart, carrying the equipment to sew the patient’s chest close as they were nearing the end of the surgery. “He wouldn’t make it.” She declared anxiously, her furrowed brows peeking out below her surgical cap. The staff expectantly looked at Jinyoung, waiting for further instructions.

And the surgeon knew that this day would come.

The day, when despite everything done correctly, the patient’s heart would still struggle to make it. When all eyes would turn toward Jinyoung, and he would not find the strength to look back. But as the inevitable started to settle itself on the room, words not allowed to be spoken until they were final, the usually collected and assured doctor was speedily crashing down. Nothing could prepare an empathetic surgeon for his first loss, and the fear of that recognition became increasingly evident through Jinyoung’s voice, as he shouted across the operating table,

“But we also can’t just do nothing! Are there any DNACPR forms filed on his behalf?”

“No, but – “

“The more we wait, the more cell damage occurs. We will not be able to bring him back. Up the amiodarone dosage by 150 mg for the first ten minutes. His blood pressure needs to be higher.”

A nurse rushed back with a syringe containing the amiodarone, adding it to the intravenous bags that connected to the patient’s vein in his arm. The drug slowly trickled down the long, translucent tubes into his blood stream, but the EKG monitor persistently showed irregular patterning, with seconds going by between the QRS-Waves without a single heartbeat.

“The complexes are further and further apart…Dr. Park, it’s going to stop.”

“That can’t happen.” Jinyoung exclaimed, panting behind the mask fastened over his lips.

“Doctor –“

“It won’t happen.” The surgeon repeated, grunting as he handed the scalpel to the nurse next to him, taking the patient’s heart between his own gloved hands.

“Come on…” He pleaded, gazing back and forth between the EKG monitor and the patient, steadily pumping the organ. “Don’t give up on me.”

While the team continued to work tirelessly into the fifth hour, Jaebum appeared at the door, invisible to everyone except the man, whose soul was now standing beside the angel.

“He’s still fighting for me.” The patient spoke to Jaebum, Jinyoung’s figure obstructed by the nurse suctioning the blood between his ribcages.

“Yes,” spoke Jaebum in a deep, gentle voice. “But it’s time. As soon as he stops pressing your heart, it won’t beat on its own.”

The man looked at the body that he once knew as his own, dying on the surgical table before his eyes. Against every odd, he felt absurdly calm, all traces of fear obliviated in the angel’s presence.

Jaebum’s hand reached over to pat him on the shoulder, beginning to walk away.

“Let’s go.”

The EKG machine broke out in an ear-screeching, monotonous sound after that, each line going straight on the screen. Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut, his hands trembling as a cry escaped him.

Jaebum took one last look at the scene, his eyes meeting Jinyoung’s.

Jaebum’s breath got stuck in his throat through Jinyoung’s tear-filled and angry gaze, eyes the color of ripe pecan with a golden sheen entreating him.

 _‘Does he see me?_ ’ Jaebum wondered, knowing it couldn’t be.

One of the nurses swiftly turned off the EKG’s alarm, leaving the room in uneasy silence.

The angel couldn’t look away from the surgeon, who was furiously wiping at the perspiration beading on his forehead.

Upon removing the leftover tubes and broken bones, Jinyoung began to skillfully stitch close the patient’s chest, telltales of a fight on either end.

Strangely, in the midst of all the gore, the surgeon’s hands covered in blood and his exhausted face hinting toward a nearing breakdown, Jaebum thought he had never seen someone more intriguing.

 

Jinyoung gracelessly tore off his gloves after the surgery was completed, throwing it into the trashcan with a pained sigh. He stormed out of the surgical room, a group of nurses and doctors casting their gaze on the floor, tainted in bloody footsteps.

He thought losing a life would be more special, as in time would slow-down, the world would stop spinning, and he would feel it in his bones. But everything was a blur instead, translating that life into meaningless numbers and evaluation forms, time in its rapid pace pushing Jinyoung into a mass of future patients awaiting the same fate. A man of 53 years – commemorated in nothing but a piece of paper, inside a box, filled with many alike, and Jinyoung was crumbling under the mere thought.

He didn’t stop until he reached his office, falling against his locker with a blaring, rusty thud, knowing it was far from over. He had yet to deliver the news to the patient’s family; an anxious wife, still hopefully asleep in the waiting area, a child leaning on each of her shoulders. He was also yet to sit through the medical association’s conference, reviewing the case before a committee to see if death was preventable, just to be told what he already knew – no liability on the doctor’s part, having done everything he could to the best of his ability.

Jinyoung dreaded his life in that moment, hallucinating as his clean hands continued to appear bloody, held out before him in disbelief.

These hands – which he thought in his teenage years would save every life in their way, broke their promise today, scolding Jinyoung of incompetency.

His body was shaking, curled into itself, sitting undignified on the floor. He sobbed between the arms caging his head, the sound muffled by his forearm.

Jaebum appeared from thin air a few moments later, his long, black coat a stark contrast against Jinyoung’s white one, sweeping the hills of his shoes. He stood in front of the surgeon’s crying figure, taking a seat on the small bench stretching at the locker, his eyes glued on the man.

The surgeon looked up from his arms aimlessly, his eyes racing from side to side as he tried to comprehend what had happened.

Between sorrow and shame, there was a sense of numbness taking him over, the inescapable conquering him.

Jaebum watched the tears mill down the surgeon’s cheeks, and felt something mysterious pulling at his chest he had never felt before, urging him to reach out and cautiously touch the salty teardrops, in spite of knowing he wouldn’t feel any of it. The gift of touch and sensation was taken away from angels to save them from becoming a slave of compulsions and desire, yet even without being able to feel Jinyoung, Jaebum was certain of feeling _something_ , or could have sworn he did - the sensation electric and warm, making his head spin.

Just as he was about to touch Jinyoung’s hair, the surgeon turned around to the sound of knocking on his door. He wiped the tears off with the back of his hand in a failed attempt to look composed, calling for the person on the other end to come in.

“Youngjae told me I would find you here.” Jackson spoke, sliding beside Jinyoung.

“How do you do it?” The doctor asked quietly, almost inaudible through his hiccups.

“Do what?” Responded Jackson, a polite smile plastered on his face.

“You are a paramedic. I assume more people die in emergency care. Trying to save a life in that tiny space…How many patients have you lost?”

“Ah, I see…” The paramedic sighed, scooting closer to Jinyoung, “Is that what happened? You lost a patient?”

Jinyoung nodded, burying his face in his palms.

“I remember the first patient I lost. The sound of the ambulance car almost tore my ear canals apart. It was a mess. Blood and urine everywhere…This can be such an unforgiving profession. No matter how many lives you save, you will always think about the ones you’ve lost. You are specialized in cardiac. It’s impossible not to lose patients in that branch. The heart is such a fragile organ when it comes down to it. Brush it off! Let me see your beautiful smile again!.”

But instead of helping Jinyoung, Jackson’s explanation only made things worse, forcing the surgeon to face limits, which for years he thought he could transcend.

“If death is s-so inevitable…then w-what am I doing here as a doctor? I-if I can’t fight against it…then what’s the p-point?” He sobbed, warranting a tender coo from the paramedic, who laced their fingers together, squeezing the doctor’s hand in encouragement.

Jaebum froze at the sight, his breath growing shallow.

“The point is, that medicine is not a win or lose battle. Every life you save counts. Hold your head high... This was not the last patient you’ll ever lose.” The man said, getting up to prepare for the next emergency with the rest of the paramedics’ team, leaving Jinyoung to his own thoughts.

The angel also had to go shortly after Jackson, although he did so tentatively, and not without promising to check on the surgeon sometime later, in case no one else would be around to comfort him.

@@@

The angel visited the doctor two days later, finding him in a library near his home, buried under piles of books, each opened at a different page, and even more towers of it covered in dust waiting to be opened.

His hair was tussled and messy, eyes full of angry blood vessels from lack of sleep, looking lost and drained in his wrinkled, coffee-stained shirt.

Jaebum sat down on the table, watching Jinyoung smooth over the nape of his neck as he hunched over one of the books, fixing his glasses when it was just about to slip off the bridge of his nose.

The angel leaned closer, turning onto his back to lay flat against the desk, placing his head on the open book, following Jinyoung’s eyes as he read each line.

Jaebum grinned at the ethereal face before him, like a naughty child who got away with something he shouldn’t have, his fingers reaching to brush away the stray strands of hair sneaking over Jinyoung’s face. But unable to touch him, his fingers passed right through Jinyoung’s hair, making Jaebum sigh wishfully.

“You look ridiculous right now, you know.” He heard Mark appear, his knuckles drumming on the table as he walked up to Jaebum, curiously gazing around the room, almost void of any other person beside Jinyoung.

“He’s devastated.” Jaebum said, purposefully ignoring his friend’s mocking remark.

“Is that so? What is he doing?”

“One of his patients died during the operation. Based on the things he’s been reading, I think he’s trying to figure out what he did wrong.”

“And he did nothing wrong?” Mark asked, stepping behind the surgeon to glance over his shoulders at the books.

The other angel nodded with another heavy sigh, sitting up as Jinyoung pressed his forehead against the pages, groaning in exhaustion.

“I wish I could tell him it wasn’t his fault.” Jaebum murmured.

“Unfortunately, we can’t do that.” Mark stated, words of sorrow nonchalantly falling off his lips. Jaebum continued, disregarding the obvious.

“I wish I could reach out and let him know that it was simply the man’s time to go…That he did everything right.”

“We have things to do, Jaebum. We are here to comfort the dead. Let’s go.”

“But it _hurts_ me.”

Mark narrowed his eyes.

“That makes no sense. We can’t feel pain. It was the gift given to angels for their loyalty. We are spared from that punishment. You probably confuse what you feel with something else.”

“No…” Jaebum shook his head, certainty written across his features, “I’ve never felt his way before. There’s nothing I could confuse it with.”

Just as Mark was about to object, they both turned toward Jinyoung, who closed each of the heavy books with a loud thump, fine grains of dirt flying off into the air.

“It’s really late. He shouldn’t be traveling alone. I will accompany him until he gets to his doorstep.” – Jaebum said, his voice permitting no alternatives. Mark frowned, watching the surgeon pack his books away and walk out, with Jaebum treading behind as if he was a mortal himself.

“There’s no point!” Mark shouted after them, doubting Jaebum was willing to hear it.

But Jaebum knew his friend was right - even if something were to happen to the doctor on his way home, there was little Jaebum was allowed to do. He could not show himself or prevent death, defenseless in any case to intervene and save Jinyoung. Yet here was the angel, shuffling behind the doctor like a leaf carried by the wind, finding the door slammed in his face, wishing he could go a little further.

With a burdened pout, Jaebum disappeared, still unconvinced that the doctor was feeling better, promising yet again to pay him a visit, well-aware that he had more urgent things to do.

@@@

The next day didn’t go much better for Jinyoung, upon spilling the entire content of his coffee mug all over his desk, the hot, sticky substance dripping down the edges of the table. He dumbfoundedly read through his e-mails, informing him that his aortic valve surgery patient of the day got cancelled last minute.

Grumpy and humiliated, he turned to Youngjae, the department’s head nurse, hoping he would know something.

“Hey, Youngjae,” The doctor greeted him with a knock on his door, making the other jump in shock at his appearance – with dark bags under his eyes, his hair greasy, and nails bitten to the skin, there was no sign of the neat, chivalrous Dr. Park Youngjae had come to know. “My aortic one for today got cancelled. Do you know why?”

“I-I was told you were not in the mental state required to perform the – “

“What do you mean I wasn’t in the ‘required mental state’? This is a standard, relatively low-risk operation. I’ve done it many times before.”

“Please, Jinyoung…look at yourself for a moment.” The nurse spoke softly, his hand awkwardly reaching after Jinyoung’s shoulder. “You need to take a break. You’ve not been yourself since that last surgery. Tomorrow is Friday, take the day off. Self-care is crucial in this profession.”

“I’m fine.” Jinyoung exclaimed, his voice just a little too high-pitched and quivering to fool anyone, and Youngjae sighed apologetically,

“I’m not here to tell you how you feel…but a little bit of break won’t hurt. It was a decision by the Section Head anyway, so there’s not much you can do about it.”

The doctor pursed his lips, having a million things to say, yet unable to bring himself to protest, his courage eaten away by days of unsaid remorse and disgrace.

Considering the nurse’s advice, he took things easy for the rest of the day, spending the remainder of the afternoon answering phone calls and doing some follow-ups with past surgery patients prior to Monday’s incident. But to compensate for being sent home, he stayed over late in his office, patrolling the hallways and making sure everything was refilled. It was a helpful distraction to keep his thoughts away from self-blaming even more, beyond ashamed at having his surgery cancelled without prior notice, which meant that the department head must have learned about his recent behavior through _gossips_. It was only a matter of days before he would get called in to the HR department, negotiating how many days he should take off for a vacation he doesn’t want.

Lost in his thoughts, Jinyoung wandered right into the maternity ward, snapped out of his daze only by noticing the babies napping behind the soundproof glass wall. He immediately took a left turn and tiptoed inside, walking between the rows with a huge, tender smile, watching the newborns dream soundly.

The angel arrived just then, standing at the other end of the wall.

He pressed his palms against the window, gasping as he saw Jinyoung wave to a baby, who seemed to have woken up, and was now curiously gazing at the doctor from his crib. Jinyoung gently rubbed over the child’s clothed tummy, making him giggle toothlessly. The surgeon’s lips curled in a painfully wide grin, chubby wrinkles forming around his eyes.

Jaebum wondered what holding a newborn would be like, wrapped in that pastel blue blanket, almost disappearing under layers of fuzzy covers. He heard that their skin is especially sensitive and delicate, but that didn’t make much of a difference to someone who’ve never felt softness before.

And he wished he knew.

“Children love angels.” Mark said, suddenly appearing beside Jaebum, startling the other. He smirked at his friend’s reaction, satisfied, smugly crossing his arms behind his back.

“How would you know?” Asked Jaebum, his eyes stuck on the surgeon.

“I sometimes get souls who have children…and kids always see us. They ask me, “where are you taking mommy?” or “will daddy be back soon?” I never know what to say.”

Jaebum hummed, quietly continuing to observe Jinyoung as he took the baby into his arms, walking around to help him fall back to sleep.

Mark turned toward his friend, finding him enthralled at the sight of a plain mortal, and his heart grew heavy with concern.

“I’ve not seen you lately. Is this where you hang out?”

“Mark…”

“You can’t get distracted, Jaebum. We have work to do.”

“But all I want to do is watch him…” The angel whispered, his palms pressing harder against the glass wall.

“He’s alive and will be for a long time. We have no business with the living.” Mark answered with a voice of finality.

“He’s in pain, too! Can’t an angel comfort the living?”

“In exceptional cases, yes. But he’s not an exception.”

“I know my limits! It won’t be a problem if I just – “

“Jaebum…How many centuries have we known each other? Whatever is on your mind, please forget about it. Developing affection for a human is dangerous. It leads us to temptation. The temptation for laziness, for desire, for lying…”

Jaebum gulped, hushing Mark defensively.

“I get it. I get it! I will not betray Heaven.”

“May that be so…” His friend grumbled, excusing himself as he got back to work.

Jaebum sighed in relief, his eyes skewing back to Jinyoung, holding - a by then - peacefully sleeping baby. The doctor seemed to struggle with putting the newborn down, overstepping his professional boundaries to give way to his paternal instincts.

The angel felt his body get increasingly sore the more he observed Jinyoung, especially seeing the light reflect something glistening on the man’s cheeks, soaking the baby’s blanket.

Jinyoung hurriedly placed the child back, rubbing his eyes with the sleeves of his coat to dry his tears. He stepped out of the room, right through Jaebum, who was only now beginning to understand Mark’s warning words, when the first thought crossing his mind was wishing he could touch the surgeon to comfort him.

He wished he could be like Jackson and squeeze Jinyoung’s hands between his own, letting him feel the warmth and pinch of those sad, salty tears.

But how tempting must a single touch of comfort be that it is prohibited from angels to feel?

Jaebum pretended not to know, failing when he rushed after the doctor, watching him retreat into his office, leaving Jaebum to contemplate whether to reveal himself.

Jinyoung should never know about his existence, let alone see him - the angel knew how breaking a rule like that could anger the Heavens. But as his ears picked up on the doctor’s fragile sobs behind the door, he prayed he will be forgiven, immediately turning into his human form.

 _‘Only a few words…_ ’ Jaebum thought, about to walk toward Jinyoung’s office, if only the surgeon didn’t open the door sooner, horrified to find a stranger staring at him. Stopping in his tracks, he called after Jaebum,

“E-excuse me, sir. May I…May I ask what you’re doing here?”

Jaebum swallowed hard, unprepared by his half-baked plan to meet Jinyoung’s questioning gaze.

“I-I’m visiting.”

“You’re here for,” Jinyoung looked to the side, reading the patient’s name off the paper that was attached to the door next to Jaebum, “Mr. Lee?”

“I’m here for you.” Jaebum whispered.

Jinyoung stared at him in stunned silence.

“But I…I’m not a patient.”

“You seemed like you would like someone to visit you.”

The surgeon quirked an eyebrow, muttering,

“I-I don’t…I’m not sure what you mean. Do we know each other?”

The angel dodged the question with a soft smile.

“I can tell that something is hurting you. What happened?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat in disbelief at the bizarre situation, surprised to find himself trusting the stranger.

“O-one of my patients died a few days ago during his surgery...”

“I’m sorry about that…But it happens sometimes.”

“Not with me. I’ve never lost a single patient in my life.”

“You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it so much, since you did everything you could.”

“But why wasn’t my everything _enough_? I did everything correctly…His heart just didn’t start beating properly after I took him off the machine!” Jinyoung rambled, lost in his memories.

“Yet isn’t it the way of life, that a person can go to battle and survive, but another can just go to sleep healthy, never to wake up? If you were to try and make sense of it, you would go mad.”

“But I want to know what I did wrong! I need to make sense of it somehow, it’s my career!” The doctor sobbed, his face contorted in agony before stopping himself. “I’m so sorry…Please forgive my… _outburst_. I shouldn’t bother you with my problems. I don’t even know who you are…”

“You didn’t bother me.” Jaebum replied, in subtle awe of the doctor’s passion.

Jinyoung blushed, not wanting to believe the stranger, who must have said it out of politeness, hardly waiting to shake him off.

“Thank you…Mr….?”

The angel paused, knowing he should keep his name a secret, but the words escaped him long before he could think twice,

“Just call me Jaebum.”

Jinyoung smiled in acknowledgment, the name having a pleasant ring to it.

“Well, _Jaebum_ , visiting hours are over…Would you like me to direct you to the exist?”

“No…I think I know where it is.” The angel responded, watching Jinyoung turn around to leave. But only two steps in, the doctor realized he forgot to ask Jaebum why he was visiting him. _Could he be an acquaintance Jinyoung forgot about over the years?_

However, by the time he turned around to investigate, the stranger was nowhere to be found, as if amid the flickering hospital lights, it was all just a play of Jinyoung’s imagination.

Perhaps Jaebum was a way for his mind to help him cope with the loss.

Youngjae might have been right, after all, and he really needed a break.  
  


But Jaebum was far from gone, once again following Jinyoung home to make sure he arrived there safely. Yet as he reached the doctor’s doorstep, convinced that no outside harm could reach him anymore, the angel still felt an urge to check on Jinyoung a little while longer. He seemed out of place, even bumping into two strangers along the way, deeming Jinyoung’s vulnerable state a solid justification for letting himself in.

Jaebum effortlessly walked through the door, finding Jinyoung seated on the edge of the bathtub, broken sobs muffled by his oversized sweater pulled over his lips.

Despite being a supreme creation of God, the angel felt terribly useless, standing before the mortal, having no way of helping him. What was a bird without wings? A home without people in it? And so, what was an angel without being able to provide comfort? How could an angel’s purpose and power be so reduced, leaving him as helpless as any mortal would be?

Jaebum found the limitations absurd, questioning them for the first time in centuries.

And his questions scared him.

Never had the Heavens seen an angel so distraught, Jaebum nearly coughing up his soul from embarrassment.

 _Skipping work to hang around the living_.

_Revealing himself in an unexceptional case without permission._

_Jealousy and curiosity, to touch and feel._

_Lying_.

_Questioning the limits of his power._

_Questioning God._

Even now, instead of doing his job, Jaebum was worrying about the doctor, which could only mean trouble. Shaken by the fear that the Heavens will reject him, Jaebum decided it was best to stay away. The threat of losing a life of divinity to perish in Hell was too much to lose - he had to forget about the doctor.  
  
  


@@@  
  
  


“I can almost hear Heaven from here.” Mark smiled delightedly at the city below him, sitting on top of the Lotte World Tower, waiting for the sunrise. As the tallest building in South Korea, it gave angels an exceptional closeness to the morning sunlight, the only sensation permitted to be felt on their skin.

And Jaebum lived with the feeling since the beginning of time, his eyelids fluttering close as the delicate rays swallowed them.

“What do you have for today?” He asked in a foggy daze, blinking himself awake to join Mark in observing the roads.

“Two traffic accidents, a guy with lung cancer, a group of teenagers with alcohol poisoning, an old guy who will die of cardiac arrest in the hospital - ”

Jaebum’s ears perked up, interrupting Mark,

“In the hospital? Which one?”

Mark frowned, suspecting why the other angel would be asking.

“The hospital nearby. But don’t you have things to do? You’ve always been a very busy servant.”

Jaebum had. Had a lot to do, in fact, and they both knew. But Jaebum also knew that another loss would tear Jinyoung apart.

Mark, as if reading the other angel’s thoughts, warned him,

“If there’s no one to welcome the soul…it can get lost. And you know how dangerous that can be. So please, get yourself together, and do your work for the day instead of wasting time around a mortal.”

“I did not – “

“You did not say you would, but we both know why you asked,” Mark explained, almost _bored_ \- as if he knew his prep-talk stood no chance against Jaebum’s will. “You’ve been staying away from him for weeks, so try to keep it up. As _you should_.”

And God knew Jaebum tried, so very hard.

  


Later that day, the piercing voice of the speaker echoed through the hospital halls.

“Code Blue Team. I repeat – Code Blue Team in the back. Patient is arriving.”

Papers flew everywhere in Jinyoung’s office as he dropped them from his hands, rushing out the room to wait by the entrance. The paramedics pushed through the double-doors, rolling the patient in.

The team gathered around the stretcher, each grabbing one end of the blanket to lift the victim up and transfer him onto a transportable hospital bed.

“What happened?” Asked Jinyoung, trying to assess the patient’s condition.

“Cardiopulmonary arrest. He was preparing for a 3K run but nearly passed out, called his daughter who told us he was previously diagnosed with coronary heart disease.”

“So how do we know it’s not a heart attack?”

“Electric malfunction.”

“Then let’s begin with chest compressions.”

“EKG’s looking terrible.” Youngjae noted, shaking his head.

“I’m not losing another one.” Jinyoung murmured, much to the concern of his team.

“Dr. Park, it’s not – “

“I said – we are not going to lose him. Period. Give me the scalpel. Please.”

Jaebum stood at the end of the table, watching Jinyoung desperately work around the patient.

He was tensed, hands trembling, unusual for an experienced surgeon, almost cutting the patient with the scissors instead of his shirt, armature mistakes threatening the team’s success.

Jinyoung was doubting himself.

“Dr. Park, you need to slow down.”

“Every second counts! I can’t slow down, and neither should you.”

“There’s only so much we can do and –“

“If we can’t save lives - tell me what we are here for?! Are we gambling or what?” Jinyoung snapped at the nurse, the two beginning to argue while the rest of the team prepared the man for surgery.

“With all due respect, I don’t think you should remain on the Code Blue team, Dr. Park, if you are unable to keep calm under pressure.”

“With all due respect, Nurse, I don’t think you should remain on the Code Blue team, if you can’t keep up with the speed.”

Jaebum stepped out with a frustrated groan, taking uneasy steps up and down the hallway.

 _‘Please, God, don’t take this man away from him. He would not survive losing another patient.’_ He thought, lips pursed shut to prevent himself from saying it out loud - because he knew he had no right to ask such things. He knew he had no right to be there to begin with. No right to feel worried about the mortal, and no right to breach his responsibilities.

But just as his lips were giving in, the words burning on the tip of his tongue, the speaker announced another Code Blue emergency, a team running through Jaebum to reach the paramedics.

“He most probably had a stroke, now I can’t find his pulse. We might also need to do a drug screening. They found him on the streets, no relatives to call.” Spoke one of the paramedics in a haste, the new team transferring the patient onto another surgical bed.

Jaebum’s eyes locked with the soul’s, now stepping out of the body - almost crushed by all the medical staff leaning over each other to connect him to the support machines. The EKG beeped, deafening as one of the doctors shouted over the noise,

“His heart is not beating!”

“Somebody please turn off the fucking alarm!”

Jaebum tried to walk away, but the man stumbled after him.

“Wait! You are not a doctor. What is happening to me?”

“I-I’m sorry, I-“

“I’m here.” Mark appeared, finishing Jaebum’s sentence for him, standing before the soul to stop him midway. Mark looked behind himself, measuring Jaebum up with an angry look.

“You should be at the collapsing house on Daehangno Street. What are you doing here? Not that mortal, I hope?” Questioned the angel, the confused soul peeking over his shoulders.

Jaebum held his breath, looking anywhere but at Mark.

“I…I just messed up the order of my assignments.”

Jaebum knew he was lying, but Mark, aware of the rules and that his friend had never lied to him before, forced himself to smile, despite just the slightest pang of disbelief.

“Well, now you know.” He said, turning back toward the soul to gently take him away.

Jaebum remained at the scene, part of him relieved that the person meant to die that day wasn’t Jinyoung’s patient, but guilty for failing to complete his responsibility on time, all the while _lying_ about it.

And yet - the worst was knowing that he won’t be able to help himself, and will come back to check on Jinyoung again, however forbidden.

 

In the midst of the emergency situation, the doctor almost forgot he had his favorite patient come by for a follow-up on his cardiomyopathy. Once the Code Blue patient’s situation was stabilized and had the assigned nurses monitor his conditions, Jinyoung returned to his office, just five minutes late to the appointment. The boy was already sitting on the chair beside his mother, waiting for Jinyoung.

“Dr. Park! Nice to see you!” The woman greeted him, standing up to shake hands.

“How are we doing, Yugyeom?” Jinyoung asked the boy, placing his hand on his back as he led them into his office, waving a temporary goodbye to the mother.

“Fine…I got new dancing shoes yesterday.”

“Ah, so that means you’re continuing to exercise regularly, right?” Jinyoung hummed, scribbling the information down in Yugyeom’s patient record.

“Yes! I dance every single day!”

“Excellent.” The doctor smiled, preparing the needle and the tube for the blood test. “Do you ever feel out of breath even when you don’t exercise? Any fever or fatigue?”

The boy shook his head, the bangs covering his forehead moving along.

“I hate blood tests…” Yugyeom mumbled, reaching his arm out for the surgeon.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Jinyoung said, squeezing the boy’s hand encouragingly, “But if you look away and talk to me, it will go by fast. Tell me how your friend is doing? BamBam, right?”

Yugyeom’s face lit up at the name, and began to ramble. Jinyoung kept humming, quickly drawing the blood sample he needed.

“Have you been taking your medications diligently?”

“Yes, but why is there so many?”

“Sometimes, you have to take a medication because of a medication. I know it can seem too much, but you’ve been doing very well, which means they are working as they should.” Explained Jinyoung, looking back at his notes from the previous visits.

“Is he also a nurse here?”

Jaebum grinned, his cheeks going chubby from the smile he tried to suppress as he waved back at Yugyeom.

“Who?”

“The man on that chair! Are you blind, Dr. Park?” Yugyeom giggled, pointing with his fingers toward the chair beside the small window.

“Watch your mouth.” The doctor nagged, but was hopelessly confused at the chair clearly empty before him. “Don’t play tricks on me, Yugyeommie.”

“But I swear Dr. Park! There is someone in that chair! And he’s making faces at me!” The boy laughed, imitating the way Jaebum hooked his fingers at either ends of his mouth to pull them apart in a wider grin.

 _‘A ghost? In this hospital?’_ Jinyoung thought, asking Yugyeom to explain what he sees.

“He’s wearing a long black coat and he also has black hair. And – oh, now he’s gone.”

There was no one the description could fit, but it was so general, that at the same time, it could also fit anyone. Yugyeom could have easily made the entire thing up.

“That doesn’t sound familiar to me.”

“Why can’t you see him?”

“I don’t know, Yugyeommie…” The doctor responded, directing them to the room with the EKG machine to check on Yugyeom’s heart. Jinyoung took the boy’s hand into his, walking out of the office.

“I’m a big boy now, you don’t have to hold my hand.” Yugyeom pouted, nevertheless gripping at Jinyoung’s hand as if his life depended on it. Just then, Jaebum appeared sitting in one of the hallway chairs, and Yugyeom cheerfully pointed at him.

“There he is Dr. Park!”

Jinyoung looked to the side, still seeing just an empty chair. He shook his head in disapproval, finishing up the appointment.

“Don’t be silly.”  


But as they were walking back to Jinyoung’s office nearing the end of the appointment, Yugyeom persisted with his efforts to convince the surgeon.

“BamBam’s mom told me about guardian angels before. Maybe you don’t see him, because he is your guardian angel, and you are not supposed to see them!”

“Oh…well…I don’t really believe in such things. Besides, I don’t need a guardian angel.”

“You never know Dr. Park! Maybe you just didn’t know you needed him!”

Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile at how pure it sounded, reaffirming why Yugyeom was his favorite patient. He let go of the boy’s hand, returning to the mother.

“Here we go, Mrs. Kim. Everything went great. Please continue to make sure Yugyeom takes his medications regularly. I know the holidays are coming up, but he still can’t have sweets.”

Yugyeom whined at that, pushed forward by his mother to give Jinyoung a quick hug before leaving.

He looked back to wave at the doctor as they were exiting, in which moment Jaebum appeared beside Jinyoung, giving the doctor bunny ears with his fingers behind the surgeon’s head. Yugyeom giggled at the sight, almost falling over his loose shoe-laces.

Jinyoung stopped waving to look around and see what the boy was laughing at, once again finding nothing out of the ordinary.

“A guardian angel, huh?” He scoffed with a sigh, raising an eyebrow as he hurried back to his office, the angel following behind with a dorky smile.

@@@

“A guardian angel?” Jackson mused, sitting at the back of the open ambulance car, preparing for the next emergency.

“He said he had black hair and wore a long black coat.”

“Welcome to Korea, baby, we have quite a few people with black hair.” The paramedic laughed, combing through his own, ironically, bleached blonde hair.

“Yeah…He could just be messing around but I don’t think he would go this far. And his eyes were really fixed on the chair, like he actually saw somebody.”

Jackson nodded, equally puzzled.

“But if it’s true that I have a guardian angel, why haven’t he appeared sooner?”

“Maybe you only needed him now?”

_‘Maybe.’_

“Not everyone walks around in trench coats, though. Angels have a weird sense of fashion.” Jackson shook his head, taking a sip of his energy drink.

An abrupt realization hit Jinyoung at Jackson’s words.

“You know what? I think I know a man who fits that description! A few weeks ago, after visiting hours ended, a guy like that was still wandering around the hospital, so I asked him who he was looking for…and he said he was visiting _me._ ”

“Oh no, that’s creepy! I would have freaked out if I was you.”

“I did, sort of. But something about him made me feel calm. As if you _just knew_ he won’t hurt you.”

“Alright, but why would he show himself to you then, and not now? Wasn’t this after you lost that patient in the operating room?”

Jinyoung stared at the ground, nervously shuffling his feet.

“It was…He said he could tell something was hurting me.”

Jackson stretched his legs out with a smirk.

“I guess your kid wasn’t faking it.”

  


Jinyoung arrived back to his office past 7PM, packing up to leave for the day.

But as he was packing his bag, already feeling ridiculous for even thinking about it, he decided to try and call for the angel, taking a shot in the dark to test if he really had one watching over him.

“Hey…” He whispered, staring up at the ceiling, unsure even as to where to look. “I…I think I know who you are. Does it work if I call for you? Can you even hear me? Jae-Jaegeun?”

He waited in silence, the angel nowhere to be seen.

“Sorry, I guess that’s not it…Was it Jaeyoung? No? It’s been a while, I forgot your name…”

The angel, upon sensing Jinyoung’s discomfort, appeared in his office, musing at the doctor’s desperate expression, calling out names that were not the angel’s. Jaebum figured what was happening and remained invisible, well-aware that he shouldn’t break the rules and interact with the mortal ever again. But the surgeon looked ahead a few seconds later, almost as if seeing the angel, and with more confidence, he asked,

“Jaebum? That has to be it! It was Jaebum, right?”

The angel closed his eyes, unable to look into the doctor’s expressive gaze, because he knew he couldn’t deny him if he let himself stare too long.

“Please, Jaebum. I want to see you…”

But perhaps it was already too late.

“Jaebum? Just tell me if it was you in the hallway...”

 _‘What am I supposed to do?!_ ’ Jaebum scream in his head, opening his eyes to see the doctor sigh in defeat, reaching for his jacket.

Another disappointment in his life – all because of Jaebum.

Jaebum couldn’t live with that, and in the sudden rush of the moment, he found it wiser to change his mind.

‘ _One last time_.’ He thought, surprising Jinyoung as the surgeon turned around, almost bumping into the angel.

The doctor fell backwards in shock, luckily caught by his desk.

“You called for me?” Jaebum breathed, excited and nervous to stand before Jinyoung.

Seconds after processing what happened, the doctor slowly nodded, his eyes racing back and forth on the angel’s face, from his eyes, to _those lips_ , to that nose…

Gradually getting to his senses, he pushed himself away from the table, still feeling too far off the ground.

“Y-yes…I-I didn’t know if you were actually real.”

“Well,” Jaebum smiled, too entertained for his own good, “Here I am.”

Jinyoung swallowed hard, taking a curious step toward Jaebum, wiping the cheeky grin off the angel’s face.

Jaebum flinched at the sudden closeness, his shoulders tensing as the doctor touched his hand.

“I can’t believe it. I _don’t_ believe it. Have I gone crazy?” Jinyoung muttered, observing Jaebum for any signs that could confirm that.

Jaebum felt strangely fluttered under the doctor’s dissecting gaze, which was taking in his every detail. He pondered if it was because of Jinyoung’s personality in general, or through the practice of his profession. Either way, Jaebum wished he could feel more of the touch, the sensation lost in vagueness, his limbs almost numb.

“Your hand is so cold…do you have any blood circulation? What are you even made of?”

The surgeon asked with sparkly eyes, full of wonder. Jaebum’s mouth was paralyzed at the sight, unable to answer, so Jinyoung dropped the question, moving on to the next.

“Are you…are you really my guardian angel?”

Jaebum pulled his hand away, trying to focus.

“No. Angels don’t guard the living. We guard the dead.”

“The dead? But I’m alive! Am I not?!” Jinyoung inquired hectically.

“You are alive! Don’t be afraid!” Jaebum hushed him, “I was here for your patient.”

Jinyoung’s features relaxed, a shaky breath escaping him.

“Okay…that’s good. That is great. But, if you are not here to guard me, and I assume my patient is gone by now, then why are you here?”

The surgeon’s voice was quiet, and light, far from accusing. Yet, Jaebum felt intimidated all of a sudden, because he knew deep down that the doctor’s question was only rational– he had no business here, and it was obvious, even to a mortal who doesn’t know the rules.

“I…I can’t give you a good answer.” He ended up whispering, to which Jinyoung furrowed his brows, unaware of the conflicts inside Jaebum’s head that could reveal what he meant.

More confused than before, the doctor cautiously proceeded.

“One of my patients said he saw you today…Why can’t the other patients see you?”

_Finally, a question Jaebum could answer – although still prohibited._

“Most children can see us. Death and birth are very close to each other, and up to a certain age, they are closer to death than life. One more year and he won’t see me.”

“So why can I see you now?”

“Because –“ Jaebum began, struggling to find the other half of what he meant to say, fearing that he would scare the doctor with the truth – fearing that he would scare _himself_ with the truth.

“Please, tell me...”

Jinyoung pleaded, and the angel withered, like grass shriveling under the heat of the desert, wishing God created him immune to a voice this sweet. To his misfortune, that wasn’t the case, and although hesitantly, he continued.

“After you lost your patient…I saw you cry in your office. You thought you did something wrong. You did not, and I had to let you know…So I let you see me. But I saw it wasn’t enough. You still seemed to be in so much pain…and I –“  He then pressed his mouth shut, too embarrassed to admit that he didn’t know what takes over him every time he’s in Jinyoung’s presence. Clueless as to what force of the mighty universe could make an agent of God stray from his path and be this inexcusably, utterly _reckless_ , just to stand before a mortal of many.

Jaebum felt shamefully weak, nothing but the shell of a powerful angel.

“That’s really it…You shouldn’t know about me, but I couldn’t resist.” He ‘finished’, graceless and demeaned.

But Jinyoung blinked at him in _marvel_ , adoring and unnerved by the angel’s charms. The doctor knew he was in the presence of something powerful beyond comprehension, and yet the angel broke all those rules, just for Jinyoung’s sake.

“Thank you for watching over me. I-I’m glad you are here…” The surgeon stuttered, lowering his head.

Jaebum’s eyes strained back to the doctor, surprised to see a dark blush beginning to tint his cheeks. The image left Jaebum astonished, his mind going silent, as if the TV was unplugged in the middle of someone talking, leaving his mind drowning in static noise.

Against, what Jaebum came to believe, the supreme power’s finest creation, he stood no chance. Jinyoung was a masterpiece, and Jaebum could almost feel himself slip from the Heavens with every second spent admiring the mortal.

“I have to go now.” He murmured fearfully, his feet turning sideways.

But the doctor rushed after him, clinging to his arm.

“Don’t go!  I-I have so many questions for you!”

“I can’t be here, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung shivered at hearing his name from the angel’s lips, gripping at Jaebum’s coat tighter.

“But you’ve been here for a while, haven’t you? I won’t ask you questions about your work...Please, just stay.” The doctor whispered, his eyes burning holes through Jaebum’s thin walls of defense.

“I will come back tomorrow.” - Was the first thing Jaebum could muster, and it seemed to be enough, as Jinyoung eventually let him go with a satisfied grin.

“I will wait. Here in my office, right? 7PM? I will wait!”

Jaebum nodded, his body rigid and his movements rusty, only by some divine luck managing to leave without another word.  
  


@@@  


“A man got hit by a car this morning.”

Mark looked at him, waiting for Jaebum to proceed.

“While the ambulance was arriving, and while I was waiting for the man’s soul, a woman hugged her partner close on the sidewalk.”

“Okay…so what?”

“ _Touch_ …how close they were able to hold each other. The woman’s face when she _smelled_ the other’s perfume…Do you ever wonder what touch would feel like?”

“No, Jaebum. We are not supposed to know.”

“I know that. But do you ever wonder, still? Wondering is not prohibited.”

Mark smirked, glancing down at the roads below his dangling feet.

“Sometimes, I do. Especially in the sunlight.”

He then paused, his eyes following the movement of the traffic.

“Are you thinking about that doctor again?”

Jaebum’s breath hitched, his reply almost drowned out by the loud blow of the wind.

“Yes.”

Mark already knew the answer, but wanted to see if Jaebum would lie to him. Eased at hearing the truth from his friend, he looked back at the roads.

“You have to let him go soon. You can’t grow too attached.”

 “There’s only one problem…” Jaebum whispered, finding it best to tell Mark before he would find it out on his own. “He knows about me.”

The other angel’s eyes widened, glaring at Jaebum, hoping he misheard that last bit.

“He knows about you? How would he?! Did you let him see you?”

Jaebum nodded, afraid to look at Mark.

“Jaebum…What have you done?! Just for any mortal?!”

“He’s not just _any_ mortal…He’s different.”

“Since when? I was surely not informed. Does he know you’re an angel?”

“Yes…”

Mark ducked his head to the side, murmuring something imperceptible.

“He also knows my name. And he asked me to meet him tonight.”

“And you agreed?”

“Of course I did.”

“ _Of course?!_ We are not allowed to do that! Why in the Heavens should he know about your existence? God separated us for a reason.”

“He called for me. One of his patients was a kid, and he saw me. He tried to tell the doctor I’m his guardian angel.”

Mark exhaled, supporting himself with the balcony railing.

“That’s better, but you are still in trouble. You should _definitely not_ see him tonight. Humans can convince themselves of anything. He will tell himself he just imaged you. He will move on. _You_ will move on. It’s not too late.”

They both stayed silent afterwards, the only sound remaining the airplanes flying by, and the worst timing of the ambulance car’s siren flashing in the distance. Into that silence and flashing lights, Jaebum helplessly uttered,

“Easier said than done...”

But as much as Jaebum wanted to see the doctor again, he knew he was wandering to dangerous territories. _How close was he to “too late”?_

He decided not to find out.

He visited Jinyoung around 8PM, by then hoping not to find him in the office. But the doctor was sitting on the floor against his locker, wiping away a stream of tears as he persistently mumbled after Jaebum.

“You promised me…”

The words were marring the angel’s soul like acid, so searing and fiery, it could only be the devil’s work.

In the face of all the strength and power God gave Jaebum, he felt impossibly weak, almost betrayed at his own brittleness.

The angel collected himself enough to leave, another minute of Jinyoung’s heartbroken wailing unbearable.  
  
He flew back to the skyscraper, the nightlights passing through him. But with the thoughts of the doctor clogging his mind, Heaven felt too far all of a sudden.

Anything would have felt better than thinking about the mortal, yet he remained restless, dizzy from knowing that the doctor was crying because of _him_. Falling prey to his own desires, an hour of constant contemplation later, he went back to the doctor’s office.

Fortunately, Jinyoung was gone by then, only to be found in his home, lying in the bathtub.

Jaebum was struck by lightning at the sight, seeing the doctor leaned back in his bubble bath with a glass of wine, eyes puffy and bloodshot from tears. One of his legs was perched up at the edge of the bathtub, bent at the knee, his smooth calf hanging out, water dripping onto the beige tiles, forming a small puddle. His toned thighs were covered in only a skinny layer of bubbles, toes curling with each sip of his drink.

Jaebum went back to the doctor, hoping to apologize and say an actual farewell, but found himself unable to pull himself into any form of coherency. The view was both heavenly and a sin, so contradictory by its nature, Jaebum’s mind went into an overdrive it could not overcome.

The doctor raised his arm from the water to comb through his hair, the wine leaving his lips as the illusion of cherries, a garden blooming on his face. His long, black lashes like elderberries hanging off a tree, cheeks like red apples, sickeningly sweet. The man wasn’t beautiful, but beauty itself, pulling at the angel’s soul like claws with blunt nails, killing and resurrecting him at the same time.

After Jinyoung’s every fluttered blink and heavy sigh, Jaebum felt the air puncture his lungs, dying over and over again, locked in some Earthly inferno.

The surgeon took another sip of his wine while lifting his leg up to trail it over the edge of the bathtub, the motion too sensual for any angel to remain pure. Jaebum was forced to physically turn himself around not to stare, like a chastised child, doing the forbidden.

He then heard the water pour back into the tub, Jinyoung standing up, unbothered to cover himself with a towel much to the angel’s misfortune, who turned around to face a flushed and naked body, glistening from soap reflecting the dim lights in dozens of small, bubbly rainbows.

His body was like the sculptures Jaebum saw in museums, toned yet plump, the curve of his back begging to be caressed, a finger gracefully teasing up and down over the spine until it would bend along with the movement. Jaebum was salivating, both from the imagery of fruits and from something he could never admit as the agent of God.

Hunger was not a concept achievable to angels, yet Jaebum found himself in the midst of an urge that could not be satisfied. He felt greed - so greedy for the doctor, leaving him starving for the unattainable.

Jaebum truly regretted coming by, the image of Jinyoung’s uncovered frame and blushed cheeks engraved in his mind for all of eternity to come. And eternity was such a _terribly_ long time to cradle a hunger like that, for a mortal you could never feel.

Jaebum left while he could, hoping never to return, having approached temptation dangerously close.  
  


But perhaps if Jinyoung wouldn’t have called for him, Jaebum could have resisted. It seemed believable enough until the doctor wrapped him around his finger, and like birds dutifully chirping each morning, Jinyoung called for him every night,

“This is the last time I’ll ask you…I tried to tell myself it wasn’t real but I know that you are. Don’t do this to me Jaebum, what if I will need you again? I promise I will not tell anyone that I know you, if you just please come back…I already know you can hear me!”

It was an endless river of punch after punch in Jaebum’s guts, each word another stab, contorting his soul.

With a sigh, Jaebum revealed himself in front of Jinyoung’s bowed head, the sight of two feet standing before the surgeon making him look up to meet the angel’s broken gaze.

But Jinyoung was beyond happy to see him, his arms like the wings of a butterfly engulfing Jaebum in a world of unfamiliar emotions, and Jaebum felt himself slip through the cracks of Heaven, shredding him to pieces.

“Why would you make me wait this long? Why didn’t you come last time?”

All the ‘why’s Jaebum could not answer, left hanging in the air, his numb arms reaching to robotically wrap themselves around the doctor’s waist, imitating what a human would do.

“I made a mistake by showing myself to you. I came to say goodbye.”

“Oh, don’t you dare!” Jinyoung said, his voice too cheerful, showing that he didn’t believe any of what the angel said.

Not even the angel believed what he said.

“I’m serious.” Jaebum mumbled, suffocating in the doctor’s relentless grip and warmth.

Jinyoung parted enough to look at the angel’s face, cupping his cheeks between his hands.

“Please, don’t go.” He said, so simply, so effortlessly, like it was the easiest thing to ask of Jaebum.

Then, he said the truth Jaebum never wanted to hear,

“It’s too late to change things anyway. We can’t undo meeting each other. I know you now, and you know me. Maybe you shouldn’t have, but you did, and I don’t want you to disappear.”

Jaebum closed his eyes, inhaling deeply, a broken man making broken promises,

“I will stay for a little while…”

Jinyoung settled with that answer for now, enthusiastically dragging Jaebum to sit on the bench with him.

“There’s so much I want to know!”

“I can’t answer all of your questions. In fact, there’s none that I should.”

Jinyoung’s face softened in understanding.

“Do you have wings? I was told angels have wings.”

“No, it would be useless. We can fly and travel without wings. God gave wings to birds, so they couldn’t reach Heaven but still be in the skies. Humans were meant to stay on the ground, so they were left without wings, but they saw the birds and created airplanes.”

“What about the people who die? Like my patient. Where do you take them?”

“To the gates. I don’t know what’s behind the gates. Could be the rest of Heaven, could be the portal to Hell, or none.”

“But isn’t it demons that take people to Hell?”

“Demons take _living_ people to Hell. They are not bound by rules, so they can walk among the living and corrupt their souls. That’s why angels are not allowed to speak with the living, because it blurs boundaries that should not be crossed.”

Jinyoung’s heart skipped a beat, his eyes shining as he reached for Jaebum’s hands.

“Then why are you with me?”

Jaebum took a long time to reply, never quite satisfied with the single answer he was able to give.

“I have nothing reasonable I could say…I saw you when I led that man’s soul to the gates, and you looked up from his body, right into my eyes. That’s when things began to change…”

“I didn’t see you.”

Jaebum chuckled bitterly.

“I asked God why. I asked why you, of all people. I’ve been alive since the first angels were created. I’ve seen almost every possible combination of traits.”

The surgeon felt the tensions thicken around them as he spoke,

“And what was the answer?”

Jaebum stared out the window, far from Jinyoung’s searching gaze.

“Nothing. Silence is also an answer. Life becomes impossible if it functions on reasons. That’s why humans who try to live logically end up running away from their lives. If affection was based on reasons, no life would survive. But where could an angel run?”

“I-I don’t know, Jaebum.”

“God knew it. We were created without emotions that could make us ask ‘why’ and fall for temptation. When you touch me, I can’t feel it. I only feel pressure and temperature difference. It keeps us using reason and follow rules, forever obedient.”

The angel moved closer, observing Jinyoung’s face. The doctor felt a wash of heat spread through his cheeks, nervously biting at his bottom lip.

“But your touch still affects me somehow, although not physically, but in other ways. I get irrational around you.”

It was Jaebum now who reached out to touch Jinyoung, his soul aching at the familiar numbness greeting him. The doctor saw the sadness in the angel’s eyes, and placed his own hand above Jaebum’s, keeping them on his face.

“I have souls to guide. Yet here I am, without any reason I could lean on. To you, to God, or even to myself. This is why I tried to refrain from coming back, and I’m sorry I didn’t appear when I promised. I’m afraid Heaven will reject me if I keep choosing you over my work.”

Jinyoung smiled, his pearly teeth showing as he rubbed his cheeks against Jaebum’s hand.

“I want you to stay…Can’t you still do your job and meet me?”

Jaebum knew the answer.

And he was in desperate denial of it.

So he chose the easy way out and lied, both to himself and Jinyoung, wondering when the skies would begin to crumble down on him from all the lies he had told, just to see the mortal smile again.

“I think I can.”

Yet the lie was worth countless truths as the doctor’s eyes fluttered close, delicate lashes brushing softly against the rosiest of cheeks, and a sigh coming from so deep, it pulled Jaebum in. The doctor breathed in the angel, imprisoning him.

Sunlight was an exception to what angels could feel, God allowing even angels to bask in the rising and setting sun’s glory, and it felt like Jaebum was under that sunlight now, in that coppery softness used to feel incomparable to anything – until fate unveiled Jinyoung, his midnight sun, giving him warmth and light even in the darkest of hours.

How could God do this to him? How could Jinyoung hurt this much to a man who can’t feel? It was beyond baffling – rather, upright offensive. It was almost as if all of Heaven and Hell was encompassed in Jinyoung’s two irises, the world small enough to gaze into and see everything.

And Jaebum saw it all – the joy, the hope, the eagerness, the desire, every bit of sorrow and pain, a life unfolding before him.

Some disbelief, some fear.

“Can you promise me that you will really try? That this isn’t the last time I see you? You won’t leave me here, lonely and waiting?”

Jaebum promised, the fear and disbelief instantly gone in Jinyoung’s golden brown eyes.

Indeed, a masterpiece.

@@@

The angel kept his promise and tried to balance his time between duty and Jinyoung. But boundaries were not created just for the sake of it, and things often got difficult when Jaebum had to take souls Jinyoung knew, like one of his coworkers.

When Jinyoung looked at him with the eyes of a baby cow, asking “why”, Jaebum cursed the Heavens that conceived him, wishing he wasn’t an angel.

A balance did not exist - Jaebum was either doing his job, or was not doing his job. Every hour spent with Jinyoung was another hour when other angels had to pick up his slack – such often falling on Mark.

Mark knew what was happening, but never brought it up, patiently waiting for Jaebum to cure himself. But when weeks went by, and Jaebum enjoyed the morning’s sunlight from Jinyoung’s house instead of the tower, and more souls were running around the city with no angel on the spot to lead them, Mark reached the end of his patience. He revealed himself one afternoon while the angel was reading books with Jinyoung comfortably nestled on his lap, Jaebum’s arms laced around his waist.

Pure sin, nearly burning Mark’s eyes at the intimacy, making him yelp at the scene, alerting Jaebum.

“I have to go.” Jaebum muttered to Jinyoung in a hurry, trying to unfold his arms from the doctor’s slim torso. But Jinyoung didn’t see Mark, so Jaebum’s sudden departure left him worried, his body turning around on the man’s lap, straddling him.

“Why would you leave? We always spend this time together.” He whispered into the angel’s ear, making Jaebum shudder right before Mark’s eyes, which widened in sudden recognition.

“Oh, God…” Mark mumbled, disappearing as fast as he arrived, leaving Jaebum sitting on the couch of the doctor’s apartment, with the man snuggling up against him impossibly tighter. Jaebum slumped back into the cushions, letting it swallow him deeper.

 

Jaebum met Mark at the tower the following mornings, ashamed and uncomfortable in the increasing silence. Mark didn’t bring up the doctor again, and they talked as if he didn’t exist, as if words have not been spreading around the Heavens, rumors of an angel who might be thrown out of the kingdom.

And Jinyoung’s need was growing, craving for the touch Jaebum could not give him, cornering the angel into an ultimatum.

 

“I want you to kiss me.” He asked the angel one night, freshly out of the shower, only a delicate robe covering his body. He pulled Jaebum on top of himself, both of them falling onto the bed.

The mattress dipped under their weight, Jinyoung holding Jaebum close with his legs hooked around the other’s hips.

Jaebum looked down at the man before him, at the lips parted in a silent plea.

“You wouldn’t feel it.” Jaebum said, straining his eyes away from the skin of the man’s shoulders, collarbones, and thighs revealed in the parting robe. Irresistible, he knew the mortal was playing with him, using human logic to tempt the angel. Pastel lace loose around his flesh, Jaebum could blow his breath on the robe, and it would melt off Jinyoung, leaving him naked.

“I still want to try.” The surgeon replied, heated words followed by his lips moving against Jaebum’s, but no sensation was reaching him, almost as if he put his lips against a wall.

Jaebum’s eyes closed in shame and regret, the two of them hitting the end of a road, with nowhere left to turn.

“Why can’t I feel you?” The doctor cried, his eyes covered in a thin film of tears as he kissed the angel again and again, the results no different.

“Because you are not supposed to.” Jaebum answered, lowering his head in foredooming defeat.

Jinyoung slowly unwrapped his legs from around Jaebum, his desires retreating, Jaebum’s arms around him that night giving him no comfort, and no hope.

The questions he could not ask Jaebum, the feelings he could not churn out, were adding up into a fragile love-affair over the following days.

Jinyoung knew none of that was Jaebum’s fault, unable to give Jinyoung what he needed due to his very nature as an angel.

But each night was harder, falling asleep with Jaebum spooning him, knowing that the angel couldn’t feel any of it. It was hard to kiss Jaebum’s cheeks, feeling like he was brushing his lips against brick. Yet the worst of all was knowing that their love would only last as long as Jinyoung, and then there will be another eternity awaiting Jaebum, a life without the doctor.

Serene silence was braiding itself into stinging and burdensome, counting down toward the day which Jaebum had come to fear so much.

 

It was another night in the office, like any other, when Jaebum appeared, smiling at the doctor sitting by his desk, looking over a patient’s records he would see the next morning.

But tomorrow promised to be different, as he had planned, taking his eyewear off to see Jaebum better in the distance, his heavy sigh wiping the gleeful grin off the angel.

“We need to talk.” Jinyoung began, standing up to start changing.

Jaebum covered his eyes while Jinyoung undressed, sneaking a look through his splayed fingers every now and then, watching the surgeon pull on a pair of jeans and a hoodie.

“Let’s talk, then.” Jaebum said, trying to hide his uneasiness with a toothless smile, sitting down on the bench with Jinyoung next to him.

He motioned for the doctor to sit in his lap, like they often did, but when Jinyoung gently shook his head in rejection – that’s when Jaebum _knew._

The love between an angel and a human, that seemed so impossible, unattainable, and far, was now approaching at an accelerating speed, and by the time Jaebum’s eyes opened to look at Jinyoung, love already struck him, and turned from that impossible, unattainable, and far reality into a very much inevitable and real one. So real, Jaebum could almost _feel_ it, and boundaries were crossed where there was no more turning back.

“I love you so much, Jaebum. But this can’t go on. It just…d-doesn’t work.” Jinyoung whispered, his words hurting him as much as it hurt the angel receiving them.

“I will try harder!” The angel _begged_ , a message of steel spoken with the lightness of a feather’s stroke. It reached down to the core of Jinyoung, that was sensitive to Jaebum’s every word, where love ruled, and desire burned him up.

“It’s not your fault Jaebum. I know how hard you tried…but there’s nothing else we could do.”

The doctor bit his lip as he hugged Jaebum close, the angel grasping after him like a cat about to be thrown in the water, and he knows it, unwilling to ease his claws.

But Jinyoung was pushing himself away and Jaebum couldn’t force him, so his arms slumped back to his sides, watching Jinyoung get up and place his bag over his shoulder, ready to leave, expecting Jaebum to do the same.

However, Jaebum remained on the bench, boring his eyes onto the doctor’s back now facing him.

“Don’t go, Jinyoung. Because I won’t!”

The words made Jinyoung turn around, dubious of his own actions, regretting to accept that pleading gaze in the angel’s eyes that could move mountains, moving Jinyoung instead. But as much as it moved him, it still wasn’t enough, when a surgeon’s cold rationality trickled down to remind him,

“We can’t live a life like this, where you can’t feel me, and I can’t feel you.”

An angel of infinite existence and divine purpose perhaps really had no business with a mortal. The odds were stacked against them, only letting way to wishful thinking at times when it wasn’t enough.

“If you can’t feel me, if you can’t _love_ me like I need it, and I can’t love you the way you need it, we are set up for failure.” The doctor continued, as precise and to the point as the cuts he executes, but it was certainly cutting Jaebum in places he didn’t need it, tearing him apart.

“What should I do? Tell me, and I’ll do it. Jinyoung, I’ll do it…” He said, convinced and desperate. But they both knew the only thing that should be done - it couldn’t be.

“You need to be a human. A person…flesh and bones, something I can feel and understand. But it’s impossible, isn’t it?”

Jaebum never wished anything more in his life than to be able to object Jinyoung. How good could it had been to throw the greatest gift of all away, and live on Earth like any mortal instead, beside the doctor, counting the days.

But Jinyoung saw a world collapse in the angel’s eyes, which could be the angel’s but could equally be his own. The only thing left to do was turn on his heels and walk away, before he couldn’t, and end up where they began, running in circles.

Jaebum was certain that a piece of Heaven befell on Earth sometime during its conception, but it seemed like Hell was just as present, hammering at the angel’s spirit in a human and _painful_ way.

Jinyoung left Jaebum dream the impossible dreams.

@@@

The skies had dawned a clear, blazing blue, the usually enthralling morning finding Jaebum broken, arguing with Mark on the top of the tower.

“God gave us…gave _you_ everything, Jaebum. Everything we could ever need, and more! What else do you want?” Mark shouted, deviating from an angel’s manners in the attempt of snapping his friend out of his delusions.

Jaebum’s fingers curled into a tight fist as he looked up at the skies.

“I want choice. I want free will.”

“ _What?_ ” Mark glared at him in disbelief.

“I never chose to be an angel.”

“Jaebum, stop. Don’t even – “

“I don’t want to be an angel! God, _please_! If I can’t be with the doctor, I don’t want to live forever!”

The clouds were sluggishly giving way to the sun, beginning to hurt Mark’s eyes.

“Humans kills themselves each year to become an angel, because they think angels were humans once! Do you understand? We were given a gift like no other!”

“But so were humans.”

“What gift? They die! They feel hunger! Pain, and suffering. What gift?!”

“The gift of love. To love and be loved. Touch and passion. I’ve seen the surgeon during his work and when he was holding that baby…passion, Mark. We don’t feel that. The smell of perfume, I wonder what he smells like? He makes me curious. Curiosity is not a sin, is it?”

Mark’s mouth was gaping, like a fish thrown on the deck, gasping.

“So it’s true what they said about God…” He whispered. “It is possible for God to make mistakes.”

“Are you implying that I’m a mistake?”

“You will fall from the Heavens, Jaebum. Don’t you know what fallen angels become? Have you lost your mind?!”

“I just want to be human. Fallen angels are those who get thrown out of God’s kingdom. But I…I would willingly leave. I need to know – do I have a choice?”

“There’s no going back. Absolutely none. You could never be an angel again. The afterlife is locked away from us, so I’m not sure where you would go after you die as a human, but it could surely not compare to being an angel. Eternity and service, would you really throw it all away? For a mortal? Just like any? There’s seven billion – “

“Enough, Mark. Enough! Don’t you think I know all this?” Jaebum frowned, throwing his hands up in the air. “And I can’t tell why it’s him, but it’s him. Maybe it’s a mistake…but how could something this _wonderful_ be a mistake? Mistakes are supposed to be bad.”

“I think it’s bad. Real bad…” Mark uttered. “The devils will laugh in our face, saying that there lived an angel who had lost his mind enough to become one of them on his own will.”

“I will not fall among them. But I would rather not stay here.”

“I’ve seen death more often than I can remember, yet this is the first time I feel like something was actually lost.”

“Real freedom is to will…but angels are not allowed to want things. What freedom do we really have then? I could live in a basement for all of eternity and think I’m free, because I’ve never seen what’s outside. In the dark, walking straight. But through the doctor, I’ve seen that ray of light, and now I know there’s something else outside my own confines. I could live the rest of eternity as an angel, and never see the sun. Or I could live as a human for a short while, and live like never before. When I’m with Jinyoung, it’s like I’m standing under the sunlight, and you know how good that feels…Don’t you feel it now?”

Jaebum’s friend closed his eyes, leaning toward said sunlight, like a blooming sunflower. Jaebum laughed into the wind,

“What you feel now is exactly what I feel when he is in my arms. And I know there’s more for me out there. I crave more than this ray of light, Mark. _I want the sun_.”

Mark hoped the right words would find him, but perhaps they didn’t, because there was no right thing to say.

“Can I ever be free?” Jaebum muttered, his eyes filled with desperation. Staring at it, Mark knew he can’t keep the truth from Jaebum.

“I heard of a way. But! Jaebum, I _don’t know_ if it works.”

“What is it?” The angel asked, excitement shaking him.

“They say if you decide - so it’s not that you get pushed off or fall accidentally - but if you _consciously decide_ that you want to fall, you can jump off a building high enough to kill a human. Where a human’s life ends is where an angel’s can begin. Their death is your birth. Once you fall, you will wake up as a human. You might be injured, in pain, and bleeding, basically experiencing the punishments that come with being a human.”

“To jump…?” Jaebum whispered in awe, ignoring all the latter parts Mark detailed.

“Yes. You spread your arms and just…push yourself off. We are angels so we could change our minds last minute. You must want it enough to go all the way. Not even a second of doubt. God would hear that and would save you. And I can’t believe you don’t want to be saved. I can’t…”

“Then it was no mistake that I found Jinyoung.”

Mark sighed, shaking his head.

“Believe what you will, but you are giving everything up for a life of sin and mortality.”

“But what _is_ everything? I know what it’s like to live forever. I know what awaits me. Perhaps everything is not enough.”

“ _Everything not being enough_? How does that even make sense? Why would you settle for something less?”

Jaebum chuckled at Mark’s confused expression, patting him on the back.

“Tonight. You be my witness…I’ll jump.” Jaebum declared with a voice of finality.

Mark took a deep breath, holding it in as Jaebum let go.

“Meet me here at 6PM.”

“How punctual…”

“If I can survive…I want Jinyoung to save me. And if I have to die, I want to die in his arms. I settle for nothing else.”

Mark scoffed, biting on his tongue before he could protest.  
  


@@@  
  


Jaebum was teetering on the very edge of the skyscraper, the wind wildly tugging at his jacket. The moment felt surreal, like he was staring into the past. But he was still on the edge, surrounded by the sound of police sirens rushing through a traffic of people driving home.

Mark stood in the shadows with his arms crossed before his chest, a part of him still holding on that Jaebum could change his mind.

“What if you jump, and just won’t survive? Humans are not invincible. They bleed, unlike us. Their bones break. Your life could end in seconds.”

“This is now or never. If I don’t become a human, I can never be with him. And if I can’t be with him, if I can’t feel his touch, if I can’t kiss him…then have I ever truly lived?”

“The devil speaks in you. Your spirit got poisoned, I’m certain.”

“God told us, there are three forces in this world – faith, love, and hope. But of all three, love is the greatest. If I truly am poisoned, then I’m poisoned by love, in which case, it couldn’t be the devil. I would rather die, knowing that I tried to be with Jinyoung, than live like a coward. Angels were not meant to fear. If I’m afraid to lose anything, I will have nothing. If I’m afraid of death, I’m afraid to live.”

“What am I supposed to tell the other angels? Where did you go? You know we can’t lie.”

“Tell them I’ve been rewarded.”

“How is that not a lie? One of us choosing to be a human? The Heavens could fall apart! It’s unheard of outside of legends.”

“If you could only see him through my eyes…You would understand.” Said Jaebum through gritted teeth. “But you never will. The Heavens won’t fall apart, because it’s maintained by angels just like you. Try to describe colors to a blind person. Try to describe sound to the deaf. They could easily say it’s a lie. The only thing that makes the stories of angels like mine ‘legends’ is the existence of servants like you who would rather believe God went mad. Death is a small price to pay for free will. Maybe when the time comes, and I’ll meet you at the gates, if I were to come to you with regrets, you can be the first to throw stones at me. But not now…Because now, I want to be with him. I was only given this one chance. There’s no one else like him. I won’t wait for another Jinyoung, because it will never come. I’m going to live with this opportunity like I was meant to, with or without you by my side.”

It didn’t warrant a response from Mark, who felt like he already said everything he could to convince Jaebum otherwise. But even if Mark had other reasons to share, like the fool in love Jaebum was, his talk would had been to no avail.

“I’ll be by your side when you land.” Mark whispered, offering the last bit of comfort and reassurance to his friend, as he watched Jaebum smile at him, and take a deep breath of air that will carry him down.

With the tip of his shoes hanging off, Jaebum launched himself forward, clearing his mind of all doubts and second-guesses.  


He thought of the souls he had led to the other side. Dancing men and women, rushing toward the gates, daisies of Heaven’s garden kissing their feet.

He thought of the sunlight. Bronze and gold, like Jinyoung’s eyes. He thought of God. Thought of the doctor holding that baby in his arms, cradling him to sleep.

His pearly smile, the dip of his cheeks, the curve of his back. Him in the bathtub, the color of lively wine, his eyes burning of desire – a mighty flame.

Jinyoung in his lap, flipping to the next page of his book, or on the bed below him, lithe collar bones protruding the silky fabric of his night gown.

_‘I want you to kiss me.’_

His tears pouring down like rain, hiding the sunlight behind stormy, depressed clouds.

_‘Why can’t I feel you?’_

  


_‘So it’s true what they said about God…it’s possible for God to make mistakes.’_  
  
  


The wind was blowing ruthlessly against Jaebum’s face, making him unable to open his eyes to see the endless end approaching, his body smashing against the concrete, the last bit of angelic grace leaving him after absorbing most of the impact.

And it left behind but a fragile, wounded, and broken body, a bleeding, unconscious man, and the scream of a woman, shouting for the ambulance.

@@@

Jinyoung was about to leave for the day, when the shrill voice of the speaker announced,

“Code Blue team in the back!”

Jinyoung grabbed his coat, rushing out of his office toward the entrance where the ambulance delivered the patient, only familiar to Jinyoung once he got through the rest of the team gathered around him.

“It can’t be…” Jinyoung gasped, his hands raised over his mouth, panicking at the sight.

A bloody Jaebum. Visible to everyone.

‘ _Impossible.’_

“Jaebum, can you hear me? Please, open your eyes and look at me!”

“Do you know him?” Asked Youngjae.

“Yes. I know him…I know him.” Jinyoung hiccupped through his tears. “This idiot.”

Jaebum’s eyes fluttered open at the name, foggy and exhausted, but alive, making Jinyoung fall for him all over again.

He slowly raised his arm to tap at the oxygen mask on his face, signaling to have someone take it off.

Youngjae looked at Jinyoung for permission, removing the mask temporarily.

“Why did you do this?” Jinyoung asked, leaning closer to Jaebum’s face as they reached the operating room, the crowd of medical staff buzzing behind them.

Jaebum ignored the question and just smiled, like a drunk man, grinning from ear to ear, his hands curling around the doctor’s holding the bedframe.

“I _feel_ you.” He said, his voice rich and deep with affection. Stone-cold hands warm with circulation.

Flesh and bones.

Jinyoung couldn’t help but laugh, choking on his tears as he placed the oxygen mask back, caressing Jaebum’s hand tenderly.

“There’s so much more I want to show you...” Jinyoung said through his tears, the anesthesiologist putting Jaebum to sleep for the time of the surgery.

Due to possible internal bleeding, Jinyoung and his team took Jaebum for an ultrasound, identifying the organs where bleeding had occurred.

“It’s thoracotomy. Good thing you’re on the team, Dr. Park.” Youngjae smiled through his mask, preparing the tools for incision.

“It’s like a miracle, though,” Jackson began before he had to step out, “The person who called the ambulance said she saw this man fall out of the skies. His body was found at the big tower, so there’s no way he could have survived if he actually jumped off.”

“His ribcages also stayed intact except for a few jagged edges. I think he most likely got beaten up by someone.” One of the nurses spoke, looking at Jaebum’s ribcage through Jinyoung’s cut, wide enough to clean out the blood already pooled in-between.

Every bleeding organ, every broken bone, the steady beating of a human heart – each a testament, in plain sight, of the way Jaebum felt for him, laying his life under Jinyoung’s hands.

Jaebum did it.

“It’s all going to be okay…” Jinyoung muttered, more so to himself than to anyone as he continued to work on the angel, Mark apprehensively watching behind his shoulder.

@@@

A couple of hours later, with Jaebum stitched back up and moved from the emergency care, Jinyoung woke up on a hospital chair, his body progressively sliding off the cushion.

He rubbed his eyes, hardly remembering what happened the night before, surprised to see a peacefully sleeping Jaebum in front of him, illuminated by the orange morning glow of a freshly woken sun.

The memories suddenly hit him, knees shaking as he scrambled to his feet, admiring the angel’s unrivaled beauty and aura, which showed through even under countless patches of scarlet bruises.

But just as he scarcely ran his hand through the man’s hair, Jaebum’s lids fluttered open, umber eyes looking up at him endearingly.

“Good morning.” Jinyoung whispered, voice of pure honey and happiness. Jaebum shivered at the sound, human emotions proving to be more intense than he could have ever imaged.

“ _Good morning_ …I’ve never had to say that before.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I feel pain. It hurts to move.” He winced, his lips pouting.

“I’m so sorry…”

Jaebum blinked hard, his lips curling up at the corners.

“Don’t be. It’s worth every bit.”

“But how did you do it? I thought it was impossible.”

“I thought that, too…but I had to have faith. I knew it couldn’t be a mistake that I found you…that you found me. I knew there was a choice…somewhere.”

“The woman who called the ambulance said she saw you jump off the tower.”

“Yes…I had to jump off a building high enough to kill a human…I can never be an angel. Now I’m a human, someone who can _love_ you.” Jaebum admitted, bright and lively, making sparks fly inside Jinyoung’s head.

“I’ll show you everything…You will move in with me, and you can have your own room if you –“

“I don’t want to have my own room. I want to be with you as much as I can!...May I sleep beside you?” The ex-angel pleaded, quickly reaching after Jinyoung’s hand.

It was all new to Jaebum – the need for comfort and reassurance, the desire for closeness and company. An angel’s life was solitary and dutiful, pleasure derived from completing one’s job, yet even Jinyoung’s smallest touches made Jaebum’s heart drum helplessly against his crooked ribcage.

The doctor intertwined their fingers, promising to always fall asleep together.

“With you in my arms?” The man asked, eyes wide and curious.

“Yes. In your arms…” Jinyoung assured, yearning to throw all his responsibilities aside to spend the rest of the day cuddling Jaebum. “But I have to go back to work now. I will check on you later and we can go home tomorrow.”

Jaebum nodded, letting go of the doctor’s hand with a heavy heart, only to pull him back with a request.

“Before you would leave, can I get a kiss? I’ve seen people give each other a kiss when they leave. I want the full experience.”

Jinyoung turned around with a chuckle, giving Jaebum that “full experience” by placing an unnecessarily long, wet kiss on his cheek. The man almost melted under Jinyoung’s lips, his eyes involuntarily closing to take in more of the sensation.

“T-thank you,” He said shakily after Jinyoung pulled away, “It was amazing.”

“Amazing, _really_?”

The surgeon wanted to tease him - that it was just a kiss on the cheek, nothing special about it that would grant it to be called ‘amazing’. But he couldn’t ignore that sincere glow radiating from Jaebum, his eager nod at the otherwise mocking question, happy even from subtlest affection. There was a renewed sense of magic to the world since Jaebum’s arrival in his life, and the doctor felt himself starting to believe that even a kiss on the cheek could truly be amazing.

“You have no idea what else I can show you.” Jinyoung whispered into Jaebum’s ear, making another shiver run down the ex-angel’s spine.

“Show me now…I can’t wait. I’ve waited an eternity.” Jaebum whispered back, taking a hold of Jinyoung’s coat.

It was hard to resist kissing Jaebum on the spot, and tackle him to the floor, but Jinyoung knew they would get too carried away, and Jaebum needed to heal.

“The time will come. Be a little patient.”

The surgeon then left the room, forcing Jaebum to learn a few things about being a human on his own.  


When a nurse brought Jaebum food, he yelled at the food burning his tongue, but also tasted a variety of flavors through the vegetables that were unbeknownst to someone who never had to eat before. The nurse looked at him strange as he spilled some of the soup on his chin, getting used to the feeling of embarrassment.

The buttons on the TV remote felt nothing like the sheets that covered him, one of cotton and the other plastic, the tiniest details of Jaebum’s environment revealing him a whole new world.

Texture and taste - he wondered what it will feel like to touch Jinyoung’s hair and how he would taste, sitting on needles as he anxiously waited to finally go _home._

@@@

“This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” Jaebum declared, licking his lips victoriously upon finishing the strawberry milkshake Jinyoung made him. “I want more.” He said, looking up at Jinyoung from the man’s bed, knocking on the mug with his finger.

“This was already your second. We need to see if you’re lactose intolerant.”

Jaebum huffed, handing back the mug.

“We also need to take a shower now. Have you ever felt water?”

“I felt rain before. But it’s always cold.”

Jinyoung helped Jaebum get up, slowly beginning to undress him, the ex-angel noting with an amused expression how furiously the man was blushing.

 “I know...” Jinyoung murmured, almost ripping the zipper off Jaebum’s pants.

“You’re blushing, because I’m naked, right? I want you to be naked, too.”

“J-Jaebum, not now…”

“Why not?”

“Because…if I also get naked, it won’t end in showering.”

“And is that such a bad thing?” Jaebum quirked an eyebrow, his grin cheeky, playful, and very suggestive. “Why do you want me to resist you? You know I’ve been dying to touch you like this...”

Jinyoung could only gasp as Jaebum slyly gazed into his eyes, beginning to unbutton Jinyoung’s shirt, carefully sliding it off his arms.

The doctor whimpered as Jaebum pulled him closer by the two straps of the tank top he had under the button-up, the ex-angel smirking at Jinyoung’s blush creeping up to the bridge of his nose.

“You know, I’ve always seen colors. Angels could see them…but I only began to appreciate it through you. So many beautiful things are like the color of your cheeks, but I can’t tell if they remind me of you, or if you remind me of them.”

The surgeon gulped, feeling Jaebum’s arms sneak around his clothed waist.

“Could you kiss me?” He asked Jinyoung, voice as light and sweet as whipped cream.

“Where? I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you.” Jinyoung teased.

“Anywhere…”

“Okay, close your eyes. I will kiss your right cheek first.”

Jaebum shut his eyes immediately, almost moaning at Jinyoung’s plump, plushy lips moving against his skin.

The doctor struggled to contain himself, ever so carefully tracing his kiss from the man’s cheek to his neck, feeling Jaebum’s pulse under his mouth.

Jaebum’s hand dropped down to Jinyoung’s hips, his hold tightening.

“More…kiss me more.” He whispered, skin heated and covered in goosebumps.

“I’m going to kiss your lips.” Jinyoung announced, placing his mouth on Jaebum’s without moving it at first, taking in the man’s quivering moan at the swift contact. But as soon as they parted, Jaebum roughly pulled Jinyoung back with a growl.

“Kiss me again…”

Jinyoung eagerly obliged, kissing Jaebum much longer this time, brushing and sucking on the man’s lips, progressing from small, quick pecks to long, deep tastes, feeling Jaebum’s chest rise and fall with each breath.

“Is it too much?” Jinyoung panted, barely finishing his question before Jaebum turned them around, walking toward the bed.

“Not enough…I feel like I’m on fire.” Jaebum whined, pushing Jinyoung onto the mattress before balancing himself on top of him. “I want to touch you...”

Jaebum’s pupils were dilated and dark, all his attention focused on Jinyoung. Jinyoung felt breathless under his gaze, hands shakily reaching down his own pants to wiggle it off with the boxer, brushing against Jaebum’s crotch with each twist of his hips.

He threw his cloths aside, reaching under his tank top to pull it over his head, laying naked under Jaebum.

“I’m all yours now.” He said, watching Jaebum’s lips part in confusion and arousal.

“What does that mean?”

“It means t-that…we can do whatever you would like.”

Jaebum’s head was up in the clouds as he began to caress Jinyoung’s sides with trembling hands, his fingers pressing hard into the skin, lifting Jinyoung up by the waist, getting a feel for the curve of the doctor’s body.

And Jinyoung’s body molded with his movements like liquid, his spine bending along with each lift, his back arching off the bed, slim body hot and lost between Jaebum’s splayed fingers.

Jaebum observed Jinyoung in silent wonder, adoring the light sneaking through the rolled blinds cast shadows on his body, the muscle on the sides of Jinyoung’s stomach blending into those shadows, accentuating the soft, milky skin covering the rest.

He then placed his first, tentative kiss just above Jinyoung’s belly button, experimentally sucking at the skin and grazing it with his teeth.

“J-Jaebum…” The surgeon chanted, his body rising to catch up with Jaebum’s parting lips in a short chase.

But before Jinyoung could plead him further, Jaebum began to place more and more kisses all over his body, feverish, untamed, and wet, as if skipping even an inch of skin would be a sin.

Jinyoung’s legs began to shake, especially as the man got a hold of them by the thighs, ruthlessly parting them to hungrily bite and suck at the insides.

The doctor yelped, his eyes squeezed shut, aroused by Jaebum’s every claiming and intrigued touch.

Jaebum felt just the same, every sound and moan coming from the surgeon getting him hopelessly greedy. Somehow the more he tasted of Jinyoung, the more he wanted.

Jinyoung gathered the courage to take Jaebum’s hand and slowly guide it toward his semi-hard cock, the man’s eyes immediately gazing up into his begging pair,

“P-please, touch me here.”

“I’ll touch you wherever you want me to…” Jaebum grinned, wasting no time to taste Jinyoung’s member.

His tongue darted out to lick a fat stripe along the length, his entire mouth taking Jinyoung’s cock half-way, pushing his head further down until he gagged, sucking hard with cheeks hollowing and tongue curling around the head.

But, he was soon startled to hear a loud, high-pitched whimper escaping Jinyoung, stopping him in his tracks to raise his head up in worry.

“Was it painful? Did I hurt you?”

“No, not at all,” The surgeon said, out of breath, balancing himself on his elbows as he leaned up to fondle Jaebum’s face “I loved i-it…It’s just the sound people make when they really like something.”

Jaebum’s grin made a fast comeback, his eyes sparkling as he excitedly got to work again, sucking on Jinyoung’s cock even harder this time, wanting to hear nothing more but the surgeon’s breathy and desperate moans fill the room.

His lack of experience was greatly countered by his efforts, soon leaving Jinyoung sweating against the bed sheets, his hands twisting in the duvet, frantically bucking and rolling with Jaebum’s licks, until he felt too close to cumming.

“I-it’s time to s-stop.”

“I don’t want to…” Jaebum murmured into the other’s belly button.

“I want to show y-you something else.”

Jaebum tilted his head to the side, muddled, looking in the direction Jinyoung began pointing at.

“In that drawer, there’s a small blue bottle. Could you bring that to me?” He asked, wiping the sweat off his temples.

Jaebum got to his feet, handing Jinyoung the lube, who popped it open as soon as it was in his hands, pouring some of it onto his fingers.

He bit down on his lower lip, shyly looking away as his fingers tipped down to his opening, circling around the rims.

Jaebum watched, wide-eyed and speechless as Jinyoung threw his head back, rolling himself carefully onto his first digit with a few, dubious whimpers.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Jaebum uttered, towering above Jinyoung in concern.

“It won’t in a couple of seconds. It f-feels good…”

“Could I…?”

Jinyoung nodded with a giggle, removing his finger.

Jaebum blinked hard, choking on a groan as he impatiently took the lube out of Jinyoung’s hand, pouring way too much onto his own, the excess trailing down Jinyoung’s smooth upper thighs.

He cautiously inserted his finger, much thicker, the new feeling making the doctor cry out in pleasure, his legs automatically wrapping around Jaebum to bring him closer.

“Am I doing it right?” Jaebum asked, focused and careful with each thrust.

“Y-yes…you can add another.”

Jaebum pulled his finger out to coat the next one, Jinyoung’s heart in summersaults at how considerate the other was, certain that he was still dealing with an angel.

He gently grabbed a fistful of Jaebum’s hair, beckoning him to come closer and dull Jinyoung’s moans with a kiss while he inserted his fingers back.

The ex-angel felt his body twitch at the vibration of the doctor’s muffled whimpers, goosebumps covering him from head to toe.

“The sounds you make, I feel so weird from them.” Jaebum whispered during the kiss, bending his fingers inside Jinyoung, continuing to work him open.

Jinyoung smirked, biting at Jaebum’s earlobe as he deliberately moaned the man’s name, knowing how it will drive him crazy,

“I want you inside me…” Jinyoung said, his voice needy and raw as he rubbed his head into the crook of the other’s neck, dragging his nails over Jaebum’s skin.

Jaebum rolled into the touch, the surgeon’s fingernails scaring, like whip lashes stretching from his shoulders to his lower back. Angry, red marks, drawing more blood from under the skin each time he unbent his fingers to reach the doctor’s sweet spot.

“Tell me how. Do I just – “

“Yes!” Jinyoung interrupted, his body sticking to Jaebum’s like a magnet, the sudden loss of the man’s fingers too much to bear with patience.

“But don’t people use some kind of protection?” Jaebum hesitated, his length rubbing between Jinyoung’s butt cheeks, a lustful moan shaking the surgeon’s body.

“Take me like this…I want you to feel everything…and I want to feel you, too.”

Jaebum still wanted to object, but the sight of the man’s flushed, wet body spread out and waiting convinced him otherwise.

He carefully aimed his length at Jinyoung’s entrance, grabbing the man’s knees to push them up, giving him better access.

“Slowly…I wouldn’t want you to cum too fast.” Jinyoung chuckled against Jaebum’s lips.

“I have no idea what that’s like, but I don’t think doing this again would be much of a trouble.”

“Oh really? Two times in a row for your first time?” The doctor mused until he was muted by Jaebum’s tip entering him, his length thick, leaving him grasping for support.

“Not my fault. It’s all because of you…I wish you could see yourself…” Jaebum breathed, beginning to roll his hips in a steady rhythm, Jinyoung’s body bouncing with each slam.

“I wish you could see how beautiful your eyes are when you look up at me like this…” He stated, lips quivering against Jinyoung’s neck, each word falling off his lips like a prayer on the other’s velvety skin. “I wish you could hear how you sound…the way your hair smells, it’s unreal I could exist all this time without looking for you.”

“Jaebum… _please_ …”

“But you did. You found me…and I found you…and I can’t believe you are mine, and that somewhere even angels can’t see beyond, it’s written in the books. Somewhere…pages upon pages, a book filled with my story among the many, God left the last page empty, and let me find you in the ink.”

Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered close, each word and thrust taking him closer to the edge, leaving him a moaning mess of Jaebum’s name as the man pulled out, just to roll back in.

“I-I’m so close…so close. Keep talking to me…” Jinyoung beseeched, pressing the man’s head against his chest. Jaebum panted, his forehead resting on the doctor’s shoulder, placing passionate kisses all over his collarbones.

He could hardly speak, perishing under the feeling of Jinyoung around him, tight and searing, their bodies molding into one.

“The very last page…My life as an angel, when God left it empty and unfinished, it was no mistake – only _you_ could complete me. You and me – this was not a mistake. I don’t belong to Heaven. God knew I belong to _you_.”

The surgeon cried out at the confession, his hand reaching down to his length, sloppy and fast strokes taking him over the edge.

Jaebum could hardly manage to pull out before falling exhaustedly on the doctor, their sweat and tears mixing between the wrinkled sheets, meaningful silence filling the space where any more words would be too little to say enough.

But Jinyoung could feel Jaebum’s wounds and the stitches under his fingertips, his pained moves and sighs, reminding the doctor that Jaebum meant every single word he said, and that the future ahead of them was full of learning curves and beauty, however finite.

@@@

The ex-angel woke up earlier than Jinyoung, to the morning light tickling his skin – some things haven’t changed. He hoped Jinyoung would not wake up for a while, embarrassed at the tears burning his eyes when he cautiously pulled the curtains away, feeling the sunlight warmer than it had ever been. He watched it peek out from behind the clouds, turning the surgeon into a yellow diamond, fragmented rainbows scattered over miles of milky skin.

He cried from the pain of the stitches, cried from the pride that Jinyoung did them, cried from the softness of the curtains flowing against his face with the breeze passing by, cried at the flowery scent in Jinyoung’s hair still lingering around, and cried because he finally _could_ – and they tasted salty as he knew they would, but could never imagine what that would entail.

He now knew happiness, as he knew pain. He now knew love, as he will one day know grief. He knew touch, and the loss of it.

 _‘Forget about Heaven_.’ This is where Jaebum had to be – sneaked back under the blanket, his arms wrapped around Jinyoung, wishing nothing more than another day like this. Forget about living forever – this slice of eternity, Jaebum was full with. God could keep the rest, as in giving Jaebum less, he was truly given more.

With Jinyoung, he had the sun and the world, just a kiss away, coppery love and warmth melting him to his destiny. Jinyoung, his ray of light, a mighty source of divinity.


End file.
